Nothing too new, good or bad to say. I didn't eat any fast food today. I had bean dip and chips for breakfast, a pork sandwich from my store's cafe for lunch, and I'm thinking about spaghetti for dinner. Walking home from the bus today, I felt fat. Just seemed to be waddling and my thighs were chafing from rubbing together.

Continuing failure

Well, what can I say? My success has been non-existent lately.

The "leaving the money at home" option became non-viable due to various things I need money for during the day, and when I gave in it was always with a larger splurge than I usually would take since, of course, "this will be the last time."

*sigh*

Well, I did NOT splurge on junk food today, but that was because I splurged on home-made food. For the first time I tried to cook a meatloaf. It was... a good first attempt. Edible, but nothing special. I ended up eating about half of it for lunch, then made brownies and ate 1/4th the pan, then had fish sticks and celery for dinner. So... not quite a success, but better than I've been doing.

Discrimination

Tomorrow, I'm going with some friends to see a parade.  I thought it would be a good idea to stop and get one of those portable chairs people take to events like that. I got to the store just as they were closing and had to rush to the aisle. 

Now,  I'll be first to admit that it was not a big store, and their entire selection seemed to be from one distributor.  Nonetheless, it was more than a little discouraging to see that all the ones they had said "max weight 225 lbs."

*facepalm*

Backlash

[bak-lash]  

–noun

1. a sudden, forceful backward movement; recoil.

2. a strong or violent reaction, as to some social or political change

So, as you may or may not have guessed from my long absence, it hasn't been going well.  In the two weeks since my last post, I have spent $328.24 on fast food.  The good news is that it doesn't seem to have affected my weight.  I still weigh in at 312.  But that didn't do any good for my pocketbook.  I'm technically in the red right now, relying on the fact that I get paid tomorrow to keep my electric bill from bouncing.

Can I explain what's been going through my head the last two weeks?  The constant justifications, deals, and just plain who-gives-a-crap moments?  I'll have to revert to extreme measures.  I've done it a couple times before when my finances got dangerously low, and it has the side benefit of being good for keeping my mouth empty.  Simply put, I cut myself off from spending.  My credit and bank cards get removed from my wallet and left on my desk during the day.  If I want to buy food, I have to come home first, where there already is food.

The only positive thing I can report from the last two weeks was the day I went for a roughly four mile walk from Somerville to Boston Commons.  Still, smaller more regular walks would be better.

EPIC FAIL!!!

Ok, lame-@$$ title, but it was appropriate.  

I woke up at 3:00 this morning and scarfed the other half of that bag of cookies.  I had a decent lunch (cold cut sandwitch).  Then I had a stressful afternoon and ended up at Burger King. 

The fact is, I'm addicted to food.  

Some people may laugh at that but it's quite true.  I actually realized it a few years back when I was watching an episode of "The West Wing."  One character is an alcoholic and is describing what it's like.  

"I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently."

This is a very accurate description of how I feel about food.  

Day One

Mixed results for my first day.  I maintained my goal of not getting any new junk food, but my breakfast was leftover chinese take-out and I ate half a bag of Chips Ahoy!  On the plus side, I did at least two miles of walking and got some new shoes so I won't wear out my work shoes walking.

I didn't mention it last entry, but another reason for my wanting to stop eating fast food is financial.  I mean, look at how I've been spending money in the last year.

McDonald's	$90.44
Subway	$228.47
Dunkin Donughts	$242.11
Papa John's	$520.89
Wendys	$642.78
Burger King	$1,567.33

That's not good for my wallet, my waist, or my heart.

Nothing else to say tonight.  I don't guarantee I'll keep this up daily but my goal is to make it at least weekly.

The Beginning

I live in Boston, and I am fat.

I am 6'2", male, 34 years old, and weigh 312 lbs according to my bathroom scale.

I check three different "What is my ideal weight" websites, and the gife three different "ideal weights" for my height and build, however the highest one is only 245.   One site even gave my results with the helpful notice "You may wish to consult your physician for medical help."  However you look at it, I'm probably 100 lbs overweight. 

As I understand it, this puts me in good company.  Most Americans are overweight to one degree or another.  

But I have had enough.  I'm tired of getting out of breath walking up a hill.  I'm tired of my knees hurting.  I'm tired of it being impossible to find clothes that fit.  And (to be honest) I'm tired of being single.  I doubt that my figure has been my biggest obstacle in that regard, but it's the one I feel I can do something about.

So why this blog?  Well, I've told myself to do something about my condition for years now.  Maybe by forcing myself to be honest in these writings, I'll stop lying to myself about "Oh, I'll start tomorrow."

So what are my goals?  Well, I don't have a weight in mind.  Asking me what my target weight is is kind of liking asking the Wright Brothers how far they wanted to fly.  At this point any downward movement in my weight would be an achievement.  Once I've attained some weight loss, I'll start thinking about where I want to stop.

So how am I to go about this?  Really, this is the easy part.  In the last week, almost the entirety of my meals have been fast-food.  "Subway" sandwiches are the closest I get to health food.  So, an end to bad food, overeating, and an attempt to increase my exercise.   That'll be the hard part.  I'll probably have to start with walking; I doubt I'm up to anything more strenuous.  One day, I hope to get back to swimming.  In my youth I was quite a good swimmer and the low-impact environment of the pool should be beneficial to me.  But for now I simply can't face the idea of someone seeing my in a bathing suit. (No, it's not a problem unique to "Cathy.")

That brings me to the most difficult part of this exercise: the psychological aspect.  True self-improvement requires a delicate balance of self-confidence and self-loathing.  You must feel yourself worthy of improvement and yet dislike what you see in the mirror enough to want to change it.  Usually, I fall into the self-deprecating side - feeling like I'm not worth getting better and turning to (What else?) food to comfort me.

I'm going to try to keep the emo in this blog to a minimum.  My intention here is to describe what I have done/am doing to lose weight and how I feel about the process.  I welcome any comments or suggestions, though I may not respond to them.  This is a personal journey (though I hate how cliche that sounds.)